


A Filthy Affair

by goodonebarb



Category: Deadpool - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Crack, Jokes, M/M, Not Serious, Religious Content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-05
Updated: 2017-06-05
Packaged: 2018-11-09 06:31:27
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,449
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11098863
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/goodonebarb/pseuds/goodonebarb
Summary: What happens when Oscar the Grouch's bland existance meets excitement and murder? Read as Deadpool and Oscar the Grouch collide in a sensual way in 'A Filthy Affair'. You won't want to miss this!





	A Filthy Affair

**Author's Note:**

> This is 110% jokes. Seriously. I do not mean to offend anyone. These words do not reflect my views or opinions.

A Filthy Affair

It was another normal day for Oscar.  Sitting in his can on the same damn cheery street with its high moral standards and wholesome family values. The same cast of politically correct, sterile characters and the same boring pointless conversations. He was tired of counting shit. He was tired of figuring out what color an orange is. Of course an orange is fucking orange, Oscar was absolutely _DONE_ with this shit. He let out a frustrated sigh. He wanted, no he _needed,_ some excitement. He wanted to be raunchy, filthy, sleazy, and sinful even.  

                He was pulled from his frustrated fantasies by two men running along his side walk. Sesame Street was normally and energetic place, but this was not the usual thoroughfare. The one man was the physical embodiment of a harshly chopped plank of wood. His ugly face was (thankfully) concealed by a black hood. The gruff man was followed by a man in a strange red and black spandex suit. _What the actual fuck? These bastards are running on my street. Fucking hoodlums._ He was about to give these infernal goofs a piece of his mind when the block of wood with the hood decided to use the green ball of filth as a hostage. The hoodlum picked up Oscar, can and all, and pressed a somewhat sticky glock to Oscar’s Muppet-ass head. The spandex clad man stopped and gave what could best be described as a confused and unimpressed look. “Really? There’s children all over the place and you pick the reject nuclear experiment as your hostage? Fucking amateur.”  The tight sexy looking beast said with a sassy hand on his hip. The hooded creature seemed disheartened but only pressed the glock against Oscar’s soft, rotund dome.

                The whole thing, while annoying, sent jolts of adrenaline up and down Oscar’s fluffy Muppet-y body. It was _exciting._ “Don’t move or the green lump gets it!” The hooded dork said trying to sound threatening. His voice was about as smooth as a sandpaper, gravel and broken glass sandwich. Oscar watched with baited onion-and-garlic breath as the spandex wearing, tight assed man casually sliced the head of the hoodlum with a sexy weeb katana. “Work really has been slow lately.” The now murderer commented with a sigh. Oscar was quickly showered in red. He was shocked, excited and mildly horny. There was something sort of hot about the way he could feel the blood seep into his green matted fur. “Are you alright there…little fuzzy guy?” The muscle-y murderer asked as he looted the corpse. Oscar couldn’t take his eyes off of the tight spandex clad ass in front of him.

                “Yeah I’m fine. Who the hell was that dickhead?” Oscar asked not wanting his savior to leave. Adrenaline was surging through his body mixing dangerously with arousal. It had been too long since the green beast had gotten any action. He was desperate like a dry, dusty desert. The object of Oscar’s desire looked at him confused. “Hm. Wasn’t expecting that. I’m Deadpool. What is your name Mr. Lumpy Grump?” Deadpool asked eyeing up the strange can-encased creature. “Oscar. The Grouch. Thanks for saving my ass. Is there anything I can do to repay you…or some shit?” Oscar trailed off to an awkward mutter. Deadpool placed his hand on his chin contemplating what to do next. This bright sunny, white-washed street was a strange place for such a weird smelly, crass beast. “Well these horny fuckers came to see some weird shit so, I don’t know surprise me.” The man responded examining the sort of green sort of red creature before him. “Come to my alley and I can give you your reward young man.” Oscar said with a predatory wink.

                Deadpool followed the strange best down a dark seedy looking alley. There was an insect infected mattress lying against the cracked, graffiti encrusted bricks. Oscar eyed up Deadpool with hungry lust. This situation was all very strange for Deadpool, but he had to admit there was something charming, something enticing about the gruff, gross, green, garbage can wearing thing in front of him. “So do you want your reward big boy?” Oscar asked his smoker-y deadpan voice oddly alluring. Deadpool nodded. He wanted to see how this was going to play out. “Yeah give me all you’ve got you smelly monster.” Deadpool said in a mock innocent tone. He didn’t know why but he was enjoying the weird sexual tension. Oscar gave a trashy smirk. He smacked Deadpool on the ass with his Muppet hand. “Get on the bed.” Oscar commanded.

                What followed was very strange. Oscar stepped out of his trash can to reveal an absolutely immaculate ass and a monstrous five meter dick. Deadpool was amazed and entranced by the length and glory of Oscar’s muscular legs. His mouth was slightly agape at the sight before him. He was shoved roughly onto the bed by the grouch. “I’m going to make you my bitch.” Oscar threatened. His voice was much like that of a large middle aged lunch lady. “Yeees Daddy~” Deadpool cooed in a sing-song voice. He was quickly growing excited by the sexy sight before him. Oscar flipped Deadpool over so he could get a better look at that fyne ass. Oscar was already panting, his heart beating wildly with excitement.  Quickly losing his inhibitions Oscar tore of the spandex that concealed Deadpool’s tight rump. Deadpool inhaled sharply. His stomach felt like it was full of horny excited bees. Unable to wait a second longer Oscar inserted Tab A into Slot B. It was a tight fit but both let out moans of ecstasy. “Ahh fuck~” Deadpool exclaimed. Oscar screwed and unscrewed like there was no tomorrow. He moved that spoon in and out of the peanut butter jar like there was no tomorrow. He got his finger stuck in the Chinese Finger Trap, freed it and then stuck it in again. The train entered and exited the tunnel in an unceasing loop. He stuck the leg of the table into the base, following the instructions provided by IKEATM. The piston and shaft pumped in perfect harmony. The friction and ecstasy was unmeasurable. Then suddenly—

Have you ever thought about our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ? What would He think of you reading such sinful filth? Jesus is always watching. He can see everything. He can see you reading this poorly, written, blasphemous smut. He watches you while you’re sleeping. He knows when you’re awake. You better be good for goodness’ sake. Reading this filth is one way ticket to the fiery inferno of Hell. Satan loves this kind of gay, bestiality pornography. Do you want to be friends with Satan? He is the one True Evil. The Bible teaches us to reject Satan and His ways. You must reject Sodomy. Reject Homosexuality. Reject Lust. Reject Sin. If you want to be welcome to the Pearly Gates you must repent! Confess your sins! Stop your life of debauchery and indulgence! Why make your own moral decisions when you can rely on a book written 3,000 odd years ago? Cleanse your eyes and cleanse your soul. Read the Bible. Read about bloodshed, murder and incest. It is never too late to save yourself from the fiery pits of Hell! This story is far too sinful. As such I have revised it to fit better with the teachings of Christ.

Suddenly, a wad of trash beside Oscar and Deadpool caught fire with an esoteric blue flame. The pile of trash began to speak. “STOP! This sinful display must stop! If you do not cease and repent you will forever be damned to the fiery depths of Hell!” The trash spoke regally. Feeling the divine presence and a great deal of Guilt and Shame, Deadpool and Oscar ceased their sodomy. “Now leave this place of sin at once!” the trash commanded. Seeing the error of their ways Oscar and Deadpool disconnected and parted ways.

                Reading up on the teachings of Christ Oscar and Deadpool have changed for the better. Oscar is now a youth minister at his local perish. He is no longer called “Oscar the Grouch” but rather “Oscar the Reverent”. He has declared a vow of Celibacy. He prays every night at his bedside for forgiveness of his sins. Deadpool now works at the local public library. He is a devout follower of Christ and attends church three times a week. The Word of God can work Miracles for you! As long as you deny your true self and follow the over-translated words of Dead White GuysTM you too can claim your place in Heaven!


End file.
